my privileged view

Conversation with Addison 1 month before he turns 5

Tonight Addison and I were driving along one of our old commutes to his first preschool. We were talking about our old house and his old school, and then he let out a big sigh. I asked, "What's the matter, Bubs?"

"Oh, I just feel sad."

"Why? Are you thinking about old times?"

"Yeah," his voice slid down as he spoke, "That was all the way back in 2009. And 2009 will never happen again."

I smiled. "You're right, Addison. You don't get to go backward. Only forward."

Addison sighed again. "Everything just keeps changing all the time."

"I know buddy. That's life, I guess. Time keeps moving forward, and things keep changing. But I like being here with you right now. And that's fun, huh?"

"Yeah."

growing pains

"...the more we dwell upon ourselves, the more insecure we become." - Eknath Easwaran

Our egos are our own worst enemies. The way we perceive ourselves. The way we think others perceive us and the things we do to improve the image we display. I'm embarrassed to say that I have spent a great deal of energy in my life pouring myself into the mold of "me" that I think others want to see and to be around. It is a pursuit that has no finish line. No prize. There are fleeting moments that feel exhilarating; moments that hold the satisfaction of receiving the positive attention that I had sought out. But this way of defining who I am is exhausting and robs me of the true joy that I can experience if I turn my attention inward.

I have a lot of work to do. I thought I had already fought this battle with myself a number of years ago and moved on. Life is a lot of work when we choose to grow. But, life is even more work when we choose not to.

beautiful music

summer gone, but you can daydream about it here...

little-big thoughts

At least two years ago, I made practicing gratitude my New Year's Resolution. I made fits and starts of it, but at least two years later, I can't say that I have mastered the art of expressing my thanks to the people and the everything-ness that bring blessings into my life. I'm stil working on that.

Piece by piece, busy-ness has found a way to encroach upon my Life. It's sort of strange how it happened. How one week I was making all my meals from scratch and gardening and doing projects with my children and around the house, and making playdates and pursuing hobbies and having phone conversations with my girlfriends, and suddenly, just a few short months later I found myself unable to find time to breathe.

I was eating my breakfast in the car or at my desk, or not at all. I was making dinner out of boxes. My children were clearly not getting enough mom and dad time. I would stay up later just to squeeze in an hour of "relaxation" after the dishes and laundry were done and the lunches had been made, only to wake up more tired the next morning than I was before. The guilt of putting my family off and the stress of putting my own needs off was suffocating.

It's so easy to lose ourselves!
I'm happy to say I took notice, and was able to take some steps back and reclaim a bit of myself and my time. Time to refocus on what is most important in my life! My family, my health, my friends, my joy.

I'm thankful for the clarity of mind to be able to recognize when my life needs a tune-up. I'm thankful for my parents who shaped me to be this way. I'm thankful for my husband, who supports my growth faithfully. I'm thankful for my friends, who love me even when I am off track and at my emotional worst. And, I am thankful for my children, who are there to greet me with smiles and laughter every day, regardless of my imperfections.

visiting the past

I recently received my husband's awesome "old" macbook with a 500G hardrive. Normally I don't care at all for the technical things with computers and technology, but the massive storage size of this new-to-me computer has allowed me to hold ALL of our music and photos on the computer. They were on an external hard drive before and largely inaccessible.

I bring this all up because since it is now all on one machine that I can use at my leisure, I have been perusing old photos and music files that I haven't seen or heard in ages. Its like reading an old diary, though less intense.

Here is an oldie from my personal soundtrack a lifetime ago.



And a newly discovered musical interest.



What songs do you love from your past and present?

duality

I took a break. I've been living more life than I thought could fit into the space I've been allotted in this lifetime. I've been happier than I can ever remember. I don't recognize myself, which leaves me ungrounded. I'm exhausted.

My sweet husband bought me the camera I've been wanting for years for our anniversary this year. I really really love it. I've been taking some fun pictures. So I'll probably be back here more again, if you'll have me. :)