duality

I took a break. I've been living more life than I thought could fit into the space I've been allotted in this lifetime. I've been happier than I can ever remember. I don't recognize myself, which leaves me ungrounded. I'm exhausted.

My sweet husband bought me the camera I've been wanting for years for our anniversary this year. I really really love it. I've been taking some fun pictures. So I'll probably be back here more again, if you'll have me. :)

Back to it!

Hello!

I'm back! Back to work, back to a little normalcy, and hopefully back to blogging.

Life is good.

We're all moved in to our new house (insert shriek of joy!) and really enjoying it all. It's really everything I wanted in a house for us, including a fully fenced backyard (that needs lots of work, but we'll get to it), a quiet dead end road with friendly neighbors and kids, new construction on the inside, a master bath, a family room, and little things like lots of outlets and a built-in dishwasher.

We are blessed and happy.

I can't believe we're now on the other side of all the changes I had anticipated for so long!

New baby girl


New house


Addison's goodbye to one preschool and hello to another


and of course, my return to work.

It's all gone pretty smoothly, and I'm looking forward to getting back to the new normal!

How are all you doing, my fine readers?

Trying to get a decent family photo

Oh well.

honesty

When I had Addison 3 1/2 years ago, I was 25. Not terribly young to be starting a family, but by far the first of any of my friends or family to have a baby. Addison was born in the dead of winter, days before Christmas, and to be honest, my entry into motherhood was a painfully traumatic transition in my life. Like many mothers, I was overwhelmed by my new responsibilities. The night wakings were difficult for me, and I literally did not sleep for more than 3 hours at a time for the first 7 months of Addison's life. I spent my maternity leave feeling isolated due to the wintry weather, my inability to drive (I won't get into it here, but I did not obtain my driver's license until I was 26), and, primarily, the reality that most of my friends were busy starting their careers, working 40 hour work-weeks, and staying out late at bars on the weekends. I spent most of my days on leave at home, alone, counting the hours until my husband would be home from work. I really tried to keep a positive attitude during this time, but the loneliness and responsibilities were frequently more than I could handle emotionally.

I'm happy to say that this darker period in my life has passed. With one month to go until my baby girl arrives, I am excited to do things differently this time. Much has changed. I drive. I know the fun places to go with babies and small children in tow. Most importantly, we now have a large community of supportive friends who also have children. And, I'm excited to have a summer baby and enjoy much of my maternity leave enjoying the outdoors during the best months Oregon has to offer.

I still have little anxious moments that it will be too hard. That I won't be able to handle all the change and newness and responsibility. But those moments are fleeting, and I do my best to let them pass me by.

I truly want to enjoy every little moment of having this new baby girl. I'm really ready for all that life will bring me over the next few months. Ready and armed with a smile and open arms.

A day to celebrate!

No, its not my birthday, an anniversary, my son did not reach any huge developmental milestone today, and on the surface, all appears to be normal around here.

But just between us....ahem... WE HAVE NO MORE CREDIT CARD DEBT!!!!

Yeeha!

Wahoo!

Hooray!!!!!

We have worked extremely hard and deliberated extensively over personal finance decisions and made sacrifices to get to this point. And, we've had a lot of help from some key family members who have given much of their time to help us do what we needed to do.

I just want to say to anyone who is facing a lot of debt, and feeling overwhelmed by it all, that it CAN be overcome! There are some fantastic web tools and personal finance blogs that offer services and approachable, easy to understand advice to help you get on your feet.

One of the best things we ever did was to set up a personal budgeting account with Mint.com and I can't say enough about how great it is to have all my expenditures funneled into this secure website where I can categorize each purchase by "groceries" and "clothing" and "auto payment" and "childcare" etc, etc. It has been a HUGE eye opener over the past year or so that we've been using it. We know exactly how much money we have left to spend on groceries for the month, if we've been out to eat too many times, and its easy to see which bills we still need to pay. Try it! You won't be sorry. (And no, no one is paying me to say all this).

Once you do all this, you may "find" money that you can re-purpose toward paying off your debts. Perhaps you had no idea you were spending $800 on groceries for your family of 3. Maybe you can cut your budget down for clothing by 10%, 25% or more.

There are a million blogs to check out with great money-saving tips and smart ways to think about how you use your money. Check out a whole list of them here.

Now, I'm off to work hard just a little more... celebrating will come with the long weekend ahead!

weekend of sun

Wow. Some sunshine in my life goes a long way toward making me a happy girl.



This weekend felt like a different world. Partly because of the sun and all that it brings out of this city and the people in it who all patiently (or impatiently) waited out the long, grey winter... Barbecues, shorts and short sleeves, mowed lawns and gardening, drinking cold drinks and playing games on the lawn, cats stretched out in windowsills, children riding bikes, frisbees...

Plus, the return of old friends from days when there was less responsibility in our lives, when we spent entire days lazing about together, being silly and talking about nearly nothing important, playing video games late into the night...

And then there are the things that are new in our lives, that combined with the old, just make everything the way its supposed to be, and oh-so-right... precocious, beautiful children, talk about our careers and the things we're experiencing in our diverse lives... and of course, you know you've all grown up a little when the side dishes at your potluck grow up past bags of chips and store-made potato salad into green beans dressed in a white balsamic vinaigrette, strawberry-mango crisp, grilled salmon, and other delectable morsels.

Oh spring, disguised as summer, you have been a blessing this weekend.

This was posted over at beauty that moves. Its such an important topic that I wanted to share it too.

being real

A theme seems to have crossed my path this week, and it has really spoken to me. Call it authenticity, or simply being real.

I first came across it here, where Molly is brave enough to show us the sometimes messy reality behind the pretty but staged photography shots many of us take. I love photography, and I love beautiful things, but sometimes its just nice to see the imperfections and "the wizard behind the curtain." It makes me feel more human in my own imperfections.

Then I came across all these beautiful Flickr-folk posting real pictures of themselves, un-made-up or primped or anything. Refreshing (and you ladies are gorgeous all the time, anyway).

Next, I came across this beautiful passage (you can even download a pretty print of it here) that describes the way I really do try to live my life on a daily basis, with varying degrees of success. I feel that, unless we are being our true selves, things get tangled up and our communications and interactions with one another get real sticky real fast.

But sometimes this whole blogging thing starts to make me act funny. I get caught up in my perfectionistic little self and want to post the best photos, and stories of the days when I have it all (or mostly) together, and you know, put my best self out there. But then I start to feel funny. It sucks the joy right out of having this little blog. It's too much pressure. And my blog has been a little empty lately because of it.

Lastly, I watched this video on Ted.com (which by the way has some amazing ideas and perspectives to share from really smart and accomplished people) on the idea of "glamour" and what it is: idealized versions of the real thing, whether its a movie star (Nicole Kidman doesn't wake up glamourous...there's a lot of primping that goes into making her look red carpet beautiful!), or a magazine photograph (look, no clutter! no cords!), or food (no drips, no weird looking stuff).

There's nothing wrong with a little glamour. I love blogs and magazines of picturesque apartments, clothes, food, etc. But as for producing that calibre of stuff myself all the time? Well, its just too much to ask of me when I'm a pregnant mom and wife who works nearly full time. So, I'm letting go of the ideal of glamour and the ideals, and I'm going to try and make this a place where I can just be real.

Ahhhhh. That feels better.

Oh...and to top it all off, here's a picture of me un-made up (and my husband), albeit its from a year ago. Whatevs.

little = big

To the man at the coffee shop who let me have the last old-fashioned glazed doughnut, even though the lady was already putting it in a bag for you:

THANK YOU.

You have no idea how much I needed that kindness (and the doughnut!) this morning.

You rock.

wanted: to be inspired

Life is feeling a bit mundane these days. Not bad, by any means, but I am getting a bit weary of the daily and weekly routines. Everything feels predictable and bland. Not every day is the same, but will unfailingly be some limited variation of the day from a handful of combinations...



Have any ideas on how to spice things up a little?

Normal for us

My son Addison is exceptionally gifted.

Though I never talk about Addison with the intention of bragging about him or comparing what he can do with what other children his age can do, sometimes its hard to hide my own excitement and amazement at his abilities. And why should I hide it? I am a proud mother, and I want to be able to openly share stories about who my child is with people around me.

Unfortunately, it is a subject that has proved to be a difficult topic to discuss openly, particularly with other parents who have children who are of a similar age. I tread carefully when people begin to inquire. "Is he a little bit advanced for his age?" they ask after observing him telling time on an analog clock, for example. I nod, and casually say, "Yeah, he's a pretty bright kid," or "he really, really loves numbers." At this point, I do my best to read the person I'm speaking with to see if they have already become threatened or not. I may get a choked, "Wow, that's great." as I watch their face change to a somber expression and they shuffle and look away... I immediately drop the subject.

An exchange like this can make me feel uncomfortable for the next hour or so. Did I say too much? Did I come across like I was bragging? No! I didn't!!! Then why do I feel so weird?

I don't like it, and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have the right to take joy in talking factually about my child's abilities and strengths just as anyone else does.

I've been afraid to write about it here, fearing the silent discomfort that might be present out there. But I can't afford to be afraid of that anymore, not only for my own good, but for Addison! Our family is different, and blessed in our own unique ways, and I'm so proud of who we are!

beautiful holiday

This Christmas reminded me how much I have to be thankful for in my family. We aren't perfect. We nit-pick at each other sometimes (myself included) and like any family, we can get on eachother's nerves.

But really, this Christmas together was simply wonderful. Everyone made it through less than ideal, and sometimes scary driving conditions in order to be together. My mom painstakingly organized the rooms in her house so that every person had their own comfortable bedroom. My divorced parents came together, as they often do for holidays, to enjoy being a family as a whole, despite the fact that their romantic relationship has been over for nearly two decades. We played board games, went sledding, sang Christmas carols with family friends,

enjoyed some family craziness by building and running over a snowman with the car (yes we really did!),

cooked and ate delicious meals together, and enjoyed a modest and simple Christmas morning together.

The gifts we gave each other are a testament to the shared values we all have. My dad gave us "I voted for Obama" t-shirts, which I will proudly wear when Obama becomes our next President on January 20th. My mom had years and years of old projector home videos transferred onto DVD, so we can all have these precious copies of our early years to enjoy. Others gave reusable grocery bags, gifts that were made by hand, made a donation to charity in our family's name, etc. My brother wrote me a nice check to help Ben and I get out from under the debt we've been working so hard to eliminate.

And of course, everyone had a fun gift or two for the favorite 3-year old in our lives. As it should be.

Family, you are so dear to me. I couldn't have imagined a better holiday with you all.

clarifying me

One of the responsibilities that comes with blogging, in my opinion, is to clarify what I may have mis-communicated the first time around. I feel like I need to say something about my post from a couple of days ago.

I really love blogging, and I really love this means of sharing my life with both loved ones and other great people whom I've never met. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and its nice to be living my dream. But, I'm definitely still figuring it out.

I want anyone who wants to read my blog to feel welcome here. I try to both make it an appealing place and I also try to keep it real. The thing is difficult for me is that my audience here is and always will be mostly anonymous. (For that reason, I try not to share too many personal details about me in my concrete life, but I do like to share about who I am as a spiritual and creative person.)

In "real life" we generally communicate one-on-one, or in small groups. Because everyone has their own personality and listening style and interests, and perhaps because I am also somewhat of a people pleaser, I tend to sculpt conversations around what I think may interest a friend while we have lunch together or what a group of family members might think is intriguing around the dinner table. We all do this based on our personal relationships and cultural context to the individuals we are communicating with. But when I blog, I have no idea who my audience is, so I feel somewhat in the dark about how to present who I am and in what context.

This is simply the nature of blogging, and I know it's not going to change. I'm just trying to find my way around in the dark here and figure out who I am in this world. And you're welcome to follow me on my journey, too! Thanks for hearing me out.

family

I headed to Eastern Washington State on Friday for my Grandpa's funeral. It was a strange series of events, since at the ripe age of 28, I have never known anyone personally who has died until now.





It turned out to be quite a lovely trip. My mom and my sister and brother and I packed into my car and headed east. I cannot remember the last time the four of us were in one car together for a lengthy drive. What a treat!

When we arrived, we were reunited with uncles and aunts and cousins and second cousins and non-blood relatives that I hadn't seen in as many as 20 years! It is strange to realize that the last time I had seen my second cousin, Devin, the 20-year old, handsome and intelligent sophomore attending University of Washington, he was a 6-month old baby in my 8-year old arms. All that life that has happened in between!

Family is so important to me, and becomes even more so as I get older.



I hope I can keep my promise to myself to keep in touch and make efforts to see these dear people in my life more often.



Besides, the drive there and back is sure pretty!

I'm off to decorate the Christmas tree, hang the wreath on the front door, and finish up some of my handmade gifts!

heavy + light

There are some heavy things going on in my life right now.







But, there is a lot to be thankful for too.









I'll be okay...I'm trying to keep my chin up, but even looking down has its purpose from time to time.

a wee break to muster up some energy

Sorry for the silence around here. We are up to our knees in colds, ear infection-like conditions, and other states of complete exhaustion.

Please bear with me. I'll be back very soon!

And now for something real....

I work at a truly amazing organization. I made a silent promise to myself that I would not blog about my work, but this topic transcends the day to day of my workplace and really isn't about my day to day job at all.

I work at a non-profit that is in the "business" of helping children, human beings, to become healthy, whole people as they grow up among extremely difficult family circumstances and within impoverished neighborhoods. I work with amazing individuals who have made this their life's work and who come to the office every day with wisdom, courage, tenacity, patience, a sense of humor, and a story to share. And, we all come from very different walks of life. Then again, don't we all -- every single one of us?

Today was the first of a 2-day staff retreat, and the topic up for discussion was diversity. I learned so much, and felt a wave of truth and good intention and humanity swirling through the room as we all discussed difficult topics. I feel so honored to work somewhere that facilitates this kind of real human interaction and creates a safe space to take on some of the tough stuff. Diversity is such an important topic, and our discussion impacted me so much that I want to share a little bit with you. Its complex, but I hope it comes through ok over my blog...

Can I tell you a little bit about something called The Human Value and Goodness Approach? It goes a little something like this...

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We have a tendency to categorize people as good people or bad people. This sets up a false dichotomy in which we take sides against each other, requiring the elimination of one side. (One mild example: If we place a lot of value on eating good, wholesome and nutritious foods, we may look at those who eat at, and take their children to eat at fast food restaurants on a regular basis as bad people.) This approach is less effective.

A more effective approach: See all people as having value and on a continuum together, some with more awareness than ourselves and others with less. No one being completely bigoted or aware. We can give a hand to those with less information than we have and receive help from those with more.


Less Effective:

Human Behavior = Human Worth

We have a tendency to equate human behavior with human worth. In this model, our value as people is associated with how we behave. If we behave well we are good people. If we behave badly we are bad people.


More Effective:

Human Behavior does NOT = Human Worth

Human Worth --> All Humans Have Value

Human Behavior --> Based on Conditioning, May Be Good or Bad

In this model, our behavior does not impact our positive value as humans. Our behavior is reflective of our conditioning, and it is appropriate to evaluate behavior, but outside of the context of human worth and value.

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There is a lifetime that can be said about this topic, and many have dedicated their lives to it. But rather than me talk at you about it on my blog, I just wanted to share it with you so you can think about what it means in your life, if you'd like to. It's powerful, and challenges all of us to come from a place of love when interacting with one another.



My next post will have some lighter, fun stuff in it. But I hope you enjoyed this meaty post too! Thanks for sticking with me...